The physical rape didnt hurt. My torment does

I finally got home, my dad was here but my mum was at work. I couldn’t look at you dad something happened and I can’t tell you, I could still smell that awful smell, I had a bath and slept for two days-that was the beginning of my end.

My heart still beats and I’m still breathing but I’m gone, down the rabbit hole and I can’t claw my way back. That night was the start of my over thinking and questioning whether I’m a liar, whether the only life I’d be ruining if I told someone was yours. I believed I was guilty not you. But I remember I said no I didn’t want to have sex I remember saying it I don’t want to have sex, but it doesn’t matter what’s done is done and I have to live with your consequences. But what if I changed my mind and said I want to but I don’t remember it? That means I’m the bad one? Oh god it’s me.. I’m the bad one. But I don’t remember? I wasn’t in a position to consent or say I wanted to and I said no so who’s wrong? Why do I feel the shame and embarrassment I said no! 

I don’t remember the sex, only snippets of that night, you told me we hand sex? I should never have trusted you I’d be safe if I just went home but I didn’t I went there. why, why did I go there, I chose to I’m the bad one but I didn’t want sex and I said that! I remember saying that! But it was your home your rules.. right? Is that what it was? God I should have just gone home but I was so sad I had no friends and you was awake but I wanted a friend not sex! I said no I remember.. god I remember saying it, I’m not here for sex, I said it I said no. 

What if I’m in my own worlds and I’ve made all of this up what if I’m not really here, what if I never get better and I feel this every second of every day for the rest of my life, I can’t deal with that.. I can’t live like this. 

I’m the bad one I should have done things differently I should have shouted again and again “remember I didn’t come for sex.. please remember that I don’t want to have sex, no I do not want to have sex”. yes maybe that would have made a difference if I just shouted, louder, LOUDER BECAUSE ITS SO LOUD IN MY HEAD EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY. Maybe I’m the bad one? I’m so tired now, I’m tired of thinking, please help me I’m tired. Do you believe me? 

I don’t want attention I just need to talk because I’m so tired of talking to myself these four walls inside of my head are making me so tired please… do you believe me? Am I a liar? I swear I swear I didn’t want to and I feel like no one believes me. 

Everyone’s tricking me, they’re out to get me they know I know they know and they’re waiting to get me, they’re on his side. I’ve sussed you all out I know you’re all out to get me you’re on his side don’t trust anyone! God I’m so tired

My body’s rested on my bed for two years, I’m lazy, I feel it. I feel old but my mind won’t rest, constant, always, always, liar, liar, what if? What if? Go over that night again-have I missed something? Ok! Start from the beginning what do you remember? I DONT REMEMBER THATS THE PROBLEM! I need to sleep so much but I need to right this wrong that my mind just won’t let go of…

Does anyone believe me? Please.. I tell you all when I’m drunk and I feel shame so much shame it kills me for eternity I’m so embarrassed but please.. I need someone to help me I’m tired, does anyone believe me please I just want… I just need my mind to rest. 

When will this end? Do you believe me or him I’m so sorry for bothering you “stranger in the toilets” I know you’ll laugh about me when I leave but I’m so drunk and I’m so sad I just need to talk I’m sorry, I’m sorry I bothered you, enjoy your night. 

Will I ever get over this? I’m so melladramatic it’s not a big deal it’s fine.. amber for got sake sleep now. 

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The dreaded ‘R’ word rape. 

I’m one of them girls, the one that says “I must have been spiked” the girl you roll your eyes at because she makes awful mistakes whilst drunk. But I didn’t make this mistake it was made for me. A few months ago I had a mental breakdown, absolutely the worst time of my life I felt like I was going crazy. I’m the sort of person to give advice rather than the person that gives you emotional support. Anyway I was talking to this boy on Facebook, well I guess he’s a man, 22 around my age. No flirting no kisses I just spoke to him about philosophy, life, all that meaningful shit in a pointless conversation. I helped him, he told me a few problems his mum was having and I gave him all the information he needed to get her help, the Cunt, I shouldn’t have helped him. I was in a bad situation myself and I decided to help someone I barely knew, maybe I thought it’d make me feel better about myself, I’ll never let my guard down again, I rarely do anyway, turns out you get fucking raped when you do that.

 So a couple of days later I was out drinking with my friend I’m sure it was a good night if i remembered it, I took something, drugs, unsure what it was but it made me weird. I texts this guy in the early hours whilst intoxitated to ask if he wanted to meet me to talk and  have a joint. I don’t even smoke weed I must have decided it’d be a great conversation starter, of course he said yes why wouldn’t he. So I got in a taxi, without any money which I would never usually do, got out at some weird dodgy pub at the corner of some street I’d never seen in my life and walked with him to his house. All normal at this point.

 I remember him opening the door and there was this huge dog, I was soooo excited, fuck knows why because I hate big dogs, I’d never been so excited before. I remember crying non stop for ages. the next morning after him having to remind me we supposedly had sex he said I cried for 4 hours non stop that night! A girl crying for 4 hours and you still managed to want to fucking sleep with her?, that amazes me. So Anyway, after seeing the massive dog and having some fags (it was probably a joint it tasted like it) I then remember telling him I didn’t come to sleep with him, I remember him being so defensive saying he never assumed i did. I remember being stood up crying about being ugly and he was stood with me, reassuring me, what a twat. I also remember getting changed but I don’t remember where or how.

 I top and tailed him, ( if you don’t know what that means it’s when you both sleep on the opposite ends of the bed.) I remember a red light I don’t remember it being on when i started to fall asleep but it was now very apparent to me. I felt like a prostitute, I felt like my body wasn’t mine and It had been switched with someone else’s. I then got scared, turned around to look behind me and he was there lay at the bottom of the bed with me, I said “oh” and turned back around to go to sleep. I was relieved, I was relieved because in that moment I thought I was my friend, who had just a few months before been raped by a man who I knew well, I had thought I was in bed with this said man, in that moment I was so so sure it was him and I was so relieved to see it wasn’t. I said after I turned around, ” I thought you was someone else” he said back to me “yeah me too”. I think my mind was trying to tell me something, maybe the sober part of my brain was saying get out this isn’t ok, I wish I listened to it. I was on the left hand side of the bottom of the bed and he was behind me(we were top and tailing so the sly bastard must have come to the bottom of the bed)but the 1 flash back I have from being penetrated was me on the right hand side of the bottom of the bed. I wish I remembered more, I wish I didn’t go there. I call rape. But I’m sure people will dissagree, not many people but some, because it is a difficult situation. I, out of my own free will went to his home, I thought I made myself clear I didn’t want to have sex i obviously didn’t do a good job of this. I wasn’t in a state where someone should want to anyway, I was crying for fuck sake. On the other hand he was sober, 100% sober, he should have known better. Not because he’s a man but because he had more capacity to say what’s right and wrong, he chose wrong, I’ll live with that. Either way I feel violated, abused and raped. The next morning I woke up and went to the bathroom, I was on my period but there was a foul smell, it was me, at this point I had woke up and didn’t know I had had sex, I had no idea what this awful smell was, it turned out it was his semen on my knickers and I couldn’t help but Gip! I remember thinking “god I hope he hasn’t smelt that whilst I was asleep that’s awful what is it” my guess now is he has smelt that before the dirty bastard. So I cleaned myself the best I could, hid those awful knickers in my bag on the way to the bedroom and went back to sleep.

I woke up and fell back asleep a few times, I didn’t leave until 5 in the afternoon. I remember him telling me we had sex and I shot around and said “WHAT?!” Laughed and said “no we didn’t” in an up beat way expecting it to be a joke and he said “are you fucking joking” or “are you being serious” I can’t remember which one. he said “you said harder”. I remember it, I remember saying that to him but I don’t remember how the sex happened I just remember saying that to him, I was disgusted with myself. I turned around and lay there thinking about what had happened that night and I couldn’t remember any of it at this point.

 He said on one of the occasions I woke up, “what do you want from me?” Is this a joke I laughed and went back to sleep, how dare you ask what I want from you, this wasn’t a one night stand you stand nowhere with me, as if he thought I would start meeting him or make it some sort of regular thing. 

 I had no way of getting home and i had no idea what I was going to do. He tried to kiss me, I turned away his breath smelt like dog fecies, I don’t have a timeline for my story and I can’t say what happened when but I remember that morning his breath was awful, like he’d never brushed his teeth before. I remember his bed smelt like mould, piss and sweat. I hadn’t just hit rock bottom I’d had my head smacked against it, I was the lowest of the low, how could I be here all night and only really open my eyes to where I was 9 hours later! I was in a pigs stie, the smell of dog piss and sweat lingered around me, there was a couch cushion that had been ripped to pieces outside his bedroom door off his smelly  dog. I was in my ultimate hell.

 How did I get myself here, how did I sleep on this dirty bed that had no duvet cover or pillow cases, big orange stains all over it, how did I sip that cup of tea out of a plastic cup that tasted of cold piss. I was absolutely ashamed of myself.

 Anyway, his friend said he would give me a lift home when he came to his house, I got dressed back into the clothes I was in the night before and took home more problems and regrets than I had taken out with me the night before. 

There are a lot of things I wish I had done differently I can’t change them or how much I hate myself now, but don’t be fooled by the story’s of the big scary man in a dark alleyway that’ll come to get you, because it’s the ones your age, your friends, your aquantances that are more likely to take advantage, abuse and manipulate you. 

If anyone had had a similar experience or anything to ask feel free to leave a comment