The dreaded ‘R’ word rape. 

I’m one of them girls, the one that says “I must have been spiked” the girl you roll your eyes at because she makes awful mistakes whilst drunk. But I didn’t make this mistake it was made for me. A few months ago I had a mental breakdown, absolutely the worst time of my life I felt like I was going crazy. I’m the sort of person to give advice rather than the person that gives you emotional support. Anyway I was talking to this boy on Facebook, well I guess he’s a man, 22 around my age. No flirting no kisses I just spoke to him about philosophy, life, all that meaningful shit in a pointless conversation. I helped him, he told me a few problems his mum was having and I gave him all the information he needed to get her help, the Cunt, I shouldn’t have helped him. I was in a bad situation myself and I decided to help someone I barely knew, maybe I thought it’d make me feel better about myself, I’ll never let my guard down again, I rarely do anyway, turns out you get fucking raped when you do that.

 So a couple of days later I was out drinking with my friend I’m sure it was a good night if i remembered it, I took something, drugs, unsure what it was but it made me weird. I texts this guy in the early hours whilst intoxitated to ask if he wanted to meet me to talk and  have a joint. I don’t even smoke weed I must have decided it’d be a great conversation starter, of course he said yes why wouldn’t he. So I got in a taxi, without any money which I would never usually do, got out at some weird dodgy pub at the corner of some street I’d never seen in my life and walked with him to his house. All normal at this point.

 I remember him opening the door and there was this huge dog, I was soooo excited, fuck knows why because I hate big dogs, I’d never been so excited before. I remember crying non stop for ages. the next morning after him having to remind me we supposedly had sex he said I cried for 4 hours non stop that night! A girl crying for 4 hours and you still managed to want to fucking sleep with her?, that amazes me. So Anyway, after seeing the massive dog and having some fags (it was probably a joint it tasted like it) I then remember telling him I didn’t come to sleep with him, I remember him being so defensive saying he never assumed i did. I remember being stood up crying about being ugly and he was stood with me, reassuring me, what a twat. I also remember getting changed but I don’t remember where or how.

 I top and tailed him, ( if you don’t know what that means it’s when you both sleep on the opposite ends of the bed.) I remember a red light I don’t remember it being on when i started to fall asleep but it was now very apparent to me. I felt like a prostitute, I felt like my body wasn’t mine and It had been switched with someone else’s. I then got scared, turned around to look behind me and he was there lay at the bottom of the bed with me, I said “oh” and turned back around to go to sleep. I was relieved, I was relieved because in that moment I thought I was my friend, who had just a few months before been raped by a man who I knew well, I had thought I was in bed with this said man, in that moment I was so so sure it was him and I was so relieved to see it wasn’t. I said after I turned around, ” I thought you was someone else” he said back to me “yeah me too”. I think my mind was trying to tell me something, maybe the sober part of my brain was saying get out this isn’t ok, I wish I listened to it. I was on the left hand side of the bottom of the bed and he was behind me(we were top and tailing so the sly bastard must have come to the bottom of the bed)but the 1 flash back I have from being penetrated was me on the right hand side of the bottom of the bed. I wish I remembered more, I wish I didn’t go there. I call rape. But I’m sure people will dissagree, not many people but some, because it is a difficult situation. I, out of my own free will went to his home, I thought I made myself clear I didn’t want to have sex i obviously didn’t do a good job of this. I wasn’t in a state where someone should want to anyway, I was crying for fuck sake. On the other hand he was sober, 100% sober, he should have known better. Not because he’s a man but because he had more capacity to say what’s right and wrong, he chose wrong, I’ll live with that. Either way I feel violated, abused and raped. The next morning I woke up and went to the bathroom, I was on my period but there was a foul smell, it was me, at this point I had woke up and didn’t know I had had sex, I had no idea what this awful smell was, it turned out it was his semen on my knickers and I couldn’t help but Gip! I remember thinking “god I hope he hasn’t smelt that whilst I was asleep that’s awful what is it” my guess now is he has smelt that before the dirty bastard. So I cleaned myself the best I could, hid those awful knickers in my bag on the way to the bedroom and went back to sleep.

I woke up and fell back asleep a few times, I didn’t leave until 5 in the afternoon. I remember him telling me we had sex and I shot around and said “WHAT?!” Laughed and said “no we didn’t” in an up beat way expecting it to be a joke and he said “are you fucking joking” or “are you being serious” I can’t remember which one. he said “you said harder”. I remember it, I remember saying that to him but I don’t remember how the sex happened I just remember saying that to him, I was disgusted with myself. I turned around and lay there thinking about what had happened that night and I couldn’t remember any of it at this point.

 He said on one of the occasions I woke up, “what do you want from me?” Is this a joke I laughed and went back to sleep, how dare you ask what I want from you, this wasn’t a one night stand you stand nowhere with me, as if he thought I would start meeting him or make it some sort of regular thing. 

 I had no way of getting home and i had no idea what I was going to do. He tried to kiss me, I turned away his breath smelt like dog fecies, I don’t have a timeline for my story and I can’t say what happened when but I remember that morning his breath was awful, like he’d never brushed his teeth before. I remember his bed smelt like mould, piss and sweat. I hadn’t just hit rock bottom I’d had my head smacked against it, I was the lowest of the low, how could I be here all night and only really open my eyes to where I was 9 hours later! I was in a pigs stie, the smell of dog piss and sweat lingered around me, there was a couch cushion that had been ripped to pieces outside his bedroom door off his smelly  dog. I was in my ultimate hell.

 How did I get myself here, how did I sleep on this dirty bed that had no duvet cover or pillow cases, big orange stains all over it, how did I sip that cup of tea out of a plastic cup that tasted of cold piss. I was absolutely ashamed of myself.

 Anyway, his friend said he would give me a lift home when he came to his house, I got dressed back into the clothes I was in the night before and took home more problems and regrets than I had taken out with me the night before. 

There are a lot of things I wish I had done differently I can’t change them or how much I hate myself now, but don’t be fooled by the story’s of the big scary man in a dark alleyway that’ll come to get you, because it’s the ones your age, your friends, your aquantances that are more likely to take advantage, abuse and manipulate you. 

If anyone had had a similar experience or anything to ask feel free to leave a comment 

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Blogging my thoughts

Im fascinated by morals, personalities&personality disorders, social norms, psychopathy and narcissism.

Like many people I don’t have a large group of friends, out of choice of my own and for their well being (I’ll get into that another time). at the moment I have two friends, one I see maybe once every two months and another I see fairly regularly on social occasions. I’m a person that tends to think a lot, mostly about nothing, spending most of my time imagining situations I’ll never be in or having conversations with myself. I think a lot and I know there’s many people that are the same as me, that might enjoy relating to some of the things I’m hoping to post on here. I can’t lie not all of it will make sense and there may be some deep shit I talk about but who doesn’t love to read about problems of others? I do. I’ll mainly focus around the topic that interests me the most, mental illness and how this relates to my life.