I fucking hate life, no don’t worry I’m not planning on writing up my will and ending it all yet but I do really hate it. Nothing overly awful ever happens to me a lot but absolutely nothing great either. I’m a floater, the universe forgot about me, I don’t get dished any cards(I sound like such an attention seeker). Boo hoo the worlds against me, no I’m against me. I don’t allow myself to be happy but then again everyone fucks you over anyway so I may aswell be the first to do it for them. I tell myself every day I say I need to sort myself out, do something productive be happy but it never happens. I cleaned up for the first time properly in like a year and for some weird reason it made me feel lonely as fuck, everything was done, complete, right what now? Hmmmm sleep for 20 hours. No friends no relationship, I’m not usually bothered by that but lately I feel abit lonely. I don’t know what to do with myself really nothing seems to make me feel anything, I haven’t laughed in years, a real laugh than makes you want to hold your stomach in genuine pain and roll on the floor in some sort of sezioured state, I miss that. I miss me to be honest.
Now I’m sure, rejection isn’t something that comes easy to anyone but I feel in our society rejection as a woman is probably the the most heart wrenching feeling in the world. I’m not a person that is (as they would call), “ugly”. I get complemented on my appearance every day, but not on my personality. Which one? I seem to have many personalities, the therapist,the friend, the punching bag, the outgoing upbeat party person, which one? To be rejected whether it be by your aquantances that want to pretend you’re not really there or by a man that an hour ago was so interest in you. No one makes sense and no person ever will. It’s hard to be rejected especially by those you feel don’t have an emotional attachment to you to be able to make you feel such heartbreak but it happens. In one night I have felt the most rejection I have ever felt on my entire life. The friend that told me he was in love with me was crying over another girl, I’m happy it wasn’t me but I feel rejection, from the aquantances that didn’t want to take me under their wing as their friend when my best friend went home upset I feel rejection, from the 10 men that tried to slap my arse but didn’t ask what my name was I felt rejection. Being single sucks especially when you get bombarded with crap from ever crevice of your life! I don’t have a lot of friends, no one I can turn up at 5am upset which is something I need, I need atleast someone there to look after me since I’m always the one looking after everyone else. I feel rejection from my friends that are happy to take and spend my money but aren’t happy enough to offer me the same back or even be there as a support system. I am everyone’s support system and I’ve had enough. I’m too independent and it’s time someone looked after me for once. I’m tired of giving advice and being someone’s support when I get none back, because no one thinks I need it, I feel rejected.