I finally got home, my dad was here but my mum was at work. I couldn’t look at you dad something happened and I can’t tell you, I could still smell that awful smell, I had a bath and slept for two days-that was the beginning of my end.
My heart still beats and I’m still breathing but I’m gone, down the rabbit hole and I can’t claw my way back. That night was the start of my over thinking and questioning whether I’m a liar, whether the only life I’d be ruining if I told someone was yours. I believed I was guilty not you. But I remember I said no I didn’t want to have sex I remember saying it I don’t want to have sex, but it doesn’t matter what’s done is done and I have to live with your consequences. But what if I changed my mind and said I want to but I don’t remember it? That means I’m the bad one? Oh god it’s me.. I’m the bad one. But I don’t remember? I wasn’t in a position to consent or say I wanted to and I said no so who’s wrong? Why do I feel the shame and embarrassment I said no!
I don’t remember the sex, only snippets of that night, you told me we hand sex? I should never have trusted you I’d be safe if I just went home but I didn’t I went there. why, why did I go there, I chose to I’m the bad one but I didn’t want sex and I said that! I remember saying that! But it was your home your rules.. right? Is that what it was? God I should have just gone home but I was so sad I had no friends and you was awake but I wanted a friend not sex! I said no I remember.. god I remember saying it, I’m not here for sex, I said it I said no.
What if I’m in my own worlds and I’ve made all of this up what if I’m not really here, what if I never get better and I feel this every second of every day for the rest of my life, I can’t deal with that.. I can’t live like this.
I’m the bad one I should have done things differently I should have shouted again and again “remember I didn’t come for sex.. please remember that I don’t want to have sex, no I do not want to have sex”. yes maybe that would have made a difference if I just shouted, louder, LOUDER BECAUSE ITS SO LOUD IN MY HEAD EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY. Maybe I’m the bad one? I’m so tired now, I’m tired of thinking, please help me I’m tired. Do you believe me?
I don’t want attention I just need to talk because I’m so tired of talking to myself these four walls inside of my head are making me so tired please… do you believe me? Am I a liar? I swear I swear I didn’t want to and I feel like no one believes me.
Everyone’s tricking me, they’re out to get me they know I know they know and they’re waiting to get me, they’re on his side. I’ve sussed you all out I know you’re all out to get me you’re on his side don’t trust anyone! God I’m so tired
My body’s rested on my bed for two years, I’m lazy, I feel it. I feel old but my mind won’t rest, constant, always, always, liar, liar, what if? What if? Go over that night again-have I missed something? Ok! Start from the beginning what do you remember? I DONT REMEMBER THATS THE PROBLEM! I need to sleep so much but I need to right this wrong that my mind just won’t let go of…
Does anyone believe me? Please.. I tell you all when I’m drunk and I feel shame so much shame it kills me for eternity I’m so embarrassed but please.. I need someone to help me I’m tired, does anyone believe me please I just want… I just need my mind to rest.
When will this end? Do you believe me or him I’m so sorry for bothering you “stranger in the toilets” I know you’ll laugh about me when I leave but I’m so drunk and I’m so sad I just need to talk I’m sorry, I’m sorry I bothered you, enjoy your night.
Will I ever get over this? I’m so melladramatic it’s not a big deal it’s fine.. amber for got sake sleep now.