The physical rape didnt hurt. My torment does

I finally got home, my dad was here but my mum was at work. I couldn’t look at you dad something happened and I can’t tell you, I could still smell that awful smell, I had a bath and slept for two days-that was the beginning of my end.

My heart still beats and I’m still breathing but I’m gone, down the rabbit hole and I can’t claw my way back. That night was the start of my over thinking and questioning whether I’m a liar, whether the only life I’d be ruining if I told someone was yours. I believed I was guilty not you. But I remember I said no I didn’t want to have sex I remember saying it I don’t want to have sex, but it doesn’t matter what’s done is done and I have to live with your consequences. But what if I changed my mind and said I want to but I don’t remember it? That means I’m the bad one? Oh god it’s me.. I’m the bad one. But I don’t remember? I wasn’t in a position to consent or say I wanted to and I said no so who’s wrong? Why do I feel the shame and embarrassment I said no! 

I don’t remember the sex, only snippets of that night, you told me we hand sex? I should never have trusted you I’d be safe if I just went home but I didn’t I went there. why, why did I go there, I chose to I’m the bad one but I didn’t want sex and I said that! I remember saying that! But it was your home your rules.. right? Is that what it was? God I should have just gone home but I was so sad I had no friends and you was awake but I wanted a friend not sex! I said no I remember.. god I remember saying it, I’m not here for sex, I said it I said no. 

What if I’m in my own worlds and I’ve made all of this up what if I’m not really here, what if I never get better and I feel this every second of every day for the rest of my life, I can’t deal with that.. I can’t live like this. 

I’m the bad one I should have done things differently I should have shouted again and again “remember I didn’t come for sex.. please remember that I don’t want to have sex, no I do not want to have sex”. yes maybe that would have made a difference if I just shouted, louder, LOUDER BECAUSE ITS SO LOUD IN MY HEAD EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY. Maybe I’m the bad one? I’m so tired now, I’m tired of thinking, please help me I’m tired. Do you believe me? 

I don’t want attention I just need to talk because I’m so tired of talking to myself these four walls inside of my head are making me so tired please… do you believe me? Am I a liar? I swear I swear I didn’t want to and I feel like no one believes me. 

Everyone’s tricking me, they’re out to get me they know I know they know and they’re waiting to get me, they’re on his side. I’ve sussed you all out I know you’re all out to get me you’re on his side don’t trust anyone! God I’m so tired

My body’s rested on my bed for two years, I’m lazy, I feel it. I feel old but my mind won’t rest, constant, always, always, liar, liar, what if? What if? Go over that night again-have I missed something? Ok! Start from the beginning what do you remember? I DONT REMEMBER THATS THE PROBLEM! I need to sleep so much but I need to right this wrong that my mind just won’t let go of…

Does anyone believe me? Please.. I tell you all when I’m drunk and I feel shame so much shame it kills me for eternity I’m so embarrassed but please.. I need someone to help me I’m tired, does anyone believe me please I just want… I just need my mind to rest. 

When will this end? Do you believe me or him I’m so sorry for bothering you “stranger in the toilets” I know you’ll laugh about me when I leave but I’m so drunk and I’m so sad I just need to talk I’m sorry, I’m sorry I bothered you, enjoy your night. 

Will I ever get over this? I’m so melladramatic it’s not a big deal it’s fine.. amber for got sake sleep now. 

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Blogging my thoughts

Im fascinated by morals, personalities&personality disorders, social norms, psychopathy and narcissism.

Like many people I don’t have a large group of friends, out of choice of my own and for their well being (I’ll get into that another time). at the moment I have two friends, one I see maybe once every two months and another I see fairly regularly on social occasions. I’m a person that tends to think a lot, mostly about nothing, spending most of my time imagining situations I’ll never be in or having conversations with myself. I think a lot and I know there’s many people that are the same as me, that might enjoy relating to some of the things I’m hoping to post on here. I can’t lie not all of it will make sense and there may be some deep shit I talk about but who doesn’t love to read about problems of others? I do. I’ll mainly focus around the topic that interests me the most, mental illness and how this relates to my life. 

Stuck is what I am.

It’s the early hours of the morning when you’re really awake, when your in your own thoughts enough to understand clarity but not quite grasp it. You’ve made your coffee and you’re sat wondering about life, it’s existence and what you mean to it all (probably nothing if I’m being realistic). When you see all the things you’ve bought that made you happy for that split second but now mean nothing to you, you don’t regret the things you have or how much they cost but you just realise they have no real value to your self worth,  whether that be emotionally or sprirtually. How can I talk I don’t know what anything means to me or if anything should mean anything to anyone for that matter, what do I like? What are my aspirations and goals in life? I used to be so grounded-I believed anyone that quoted metaphors about life were just talking and not really thinking but I literally am just floating through life, I don’t mind it but I don’t love it either. Alarm clocks going off at 6.59am for members of my household but I don’t have one, I have nowhere to be. I used to know what I cared about I used to love dancing, researching, reading, vintage shopping…I used to laugh, not as much anymore, haven’t quite decided whether that’s me or whether I just don’t know any funny people anymore. I’m always waiting for nothing-whether it be waiting to go to work, to get paid, to see friends I’m constantly on pause and I have no idea when this started. What will I do tomorrow and do I really care about it if not what do I care about, or whome do I care about *note to self think less*. I’d rather be sad than stuck, stuck is what I am.